Believe Them, Not Your Lies
I was speaking to a client recently who was struggling to understand what was occurring inside of her relationship. She was concerned that their relationship had become one of convenience rather than one of connection that originally inspired their partnership. She decided to address the issue and directly ask her boyfriend. As I’m listening to my client regurgitate the event I quickly heard her partner’s truth. I let her finish while she explained how his response still left her confused. I waited for silence and spoke these words, “he gave you your answer, but you didn’t listen.” Slightly stunned, my client nodded her head back. This time I asked her to slowly repeat the first response given so as to hear the words she spoke. Obliging, she tempered her speech and uttered his words, slowing down even more as the sentence ended as if to avoid the grand finale. She knew, she heard it that time. There was a pause and in an effort to explain away the truth, she spoke up saying that her partner struggled with feeling and expressing emotions so his response didn’t necessarily mean anything. This time, it was her words that shook me. Although, my next query left her speechless. “Why is it that you choose to be in a partnership with someone you know is incapable of loving you?
Looking back I’ve been guilty of the very same relationship practices. I cannot recall the number of times someone displayed their truth and yet I blurred reality to fool myself into a state of delusion. Hiding the truth in plain sight. One of the most ridiculous memories of such was a time when I fell in love with a player whom I believed loved me. It’s still embarrassing to admit this. He’s scared to open up, be vulnerable, commit because of his ex. He has a job that requires emotional detachment. He’s a cancer, a water energy so he’s cold on the outside, but I’m sure all warm fuzzies deep, deep down inside. He plays other women but he likes me, I’m different, I’m special to him. It’s embarrassing to think back at the volume of stupidity I could generate in an effort to make excuses for him not emotionally giving and committing to my heart. It’s unbelievable to think of the endless moments I hurt and came back, the continual actions and inactions I ignored. Well, he said that, but he also said this. He does this, but he says that. I finally had to ask myself some important questions. How do I treat someone I love? Do I reply as soon as I can? Do I ignore them for days or even weeks? Am I consistent in my affection for them, to not make them wonder? Do I put them down? I could go on but the point is, these questions are so basic and the answers are so obvious when we ask ourselves; yet when we are dealing with others, we completely disregard the most obvious. We quickly create a scapegoat for all the problems and then become confused. He showed me who he was and how he felt about me from the getgo. There had never been a mystery. It was I who was the Grand Illusionist!
People do this day in and out. “As long as they’re not a mean drunk, their job is stressful so that’s why they’re moody, she was raised in a strict church so that’s why she doesn’t like sex, his parents never hugged him so that’s why he doesn’t touch me.” These explanations could go on incessantly. All of these are starting points for grace and understanding. They do not however void behavior that’s dysfunctional and detrimental to another person and the relationship. So why, why is it that we create so much confusion? Why put so much effort into distorting our reality? It’s simple. We don’t want to be victims of what we perceive as negative emotions, we don’t want to “feel” a certain way; ie, rejected, neglected, abandoned, worthless, abused, used, etc. Although what we dread, even more, is getting uncomfortable to take action. To hold someone accountable. To have the tough conversation. What we avoid doing more than anything is choosing ourselves. Choosing to love ourselves enough that we can walk away from the object of our affection if they continue to choose to act in a manner that’s harmful to us. We dread the uncertainty that would entail as well as losing the comforts we value. Day in and day out we sacrifice our emotional wellbeing for the known and endure unhealthy behavior in relationships or completely toxic relationships for the sake of the familiar.
In truth, relationships of all forms are plagued with these conspiracies. Friends, families, lovers, business partners, these illusions are birthed everywhere seeds of denial are planted and nurtured. These distorted fantasies keep us from the pain of our reality, our internal suffering. Our egos bind us to the fallacious narrative of our conjectures and shackle our inner child, our emotional wellbeing, to the false imprisonment of our mind. Listen…pay attention…watch what they do…people show you who they are. Your spouse may be an alcoholic, you may be getting cheated on, your marriage may be dead, turning a blind eye to truth perpetuates the problems. What we resist, persists. It’s going to be okay, you got this. A relationship can only be as transparent and honest as the demand and expectation for those elements truly exist. Addressing the issues and taking action allows you to have the opportunity to either forge a stronger, healthier relationship or it can set you free from anguish and any more time wasted. The most profound wisdom I can leave you with is understanding that by choosing to merely exist in a relationship where your needs are not met is you choosing to not love yourself. It’s you saying that you don’t deserve to be treated better, you don’t deserve to be loved. I hope you choose you.