I Have the Right to Be

I spent years in a state of utter hatred for myself, for my body. I earned the right to be insecure. I wasn’t taught to love it, or take care of it. I was told to be ashamed of it. Later, being with a man who didn’t see any issue in expressing his distaste for my appearance. I was told I was unattractive, repulsive even. He didn’t want to share a bedroom with me so he wouldn’t have to look at me. He took the lingerie out of my suitcase on our first trip because he said it would have the opposite effect on him. I grossed him out. We were having dinner with a couple and he nonchalantly mentioned that he believed I deserved to be mistreated for being so unattractive. He was embarrassed to be with me, be seen with me. I laid in bed at night wishing to be touched, to connect, while he feverishly took to pornography. I was told the female he cheated on me with had a better body. The attack on my value and appearance was continuous.

I deserve the right to be insecure. The right to be depressed, to hate my body. I deserve the right to struggle with my appearance. But along the way, I realized something I deserved more, the right to love my body, love myself. This physical entity my soul chose to manifest itself in. Such a foreign concept from the indoctrination of religion I grew up in. There was significantly more shame associated with the human body due to its sexual connection than looking at it with love.

There I was, Wednesday afternoon, getting boudoir images taken in celebration of it all. I showed up overweight, bloated, wrinkled, dimpled, and asymmetrical. I could have written a checklist of all the ways I wished I could have looked different or better, but that was the whole point. This day, these photos were about capturing the perfection of my imperfection. Rejoicing in all that I am physically, the healing that’s taken place emotionally, and remembrance of my divinity. I chose this, this body, this path, this life.

My journey to loving all aspects of my physical form is far from over. I can still become crippled by insecurity. I can still look in the mirror and feel despair with what I see. Aging has been difficult to consent to and allow willingly. I focus on using health as my tool of measurement in my choices. Is my weight a reflection of healthy food choices and activity or unhealthy choices and inactivity? Is this situation or relationship improving my mental health or costing it? Does this action disconnect me from my higher power or nurture it? I’m not perfect; the self-analysis is endless and evolving.

The path to self-love is all-encompassing. It’s honoring every aspect of our being and treating every aspect with love and compassion. You say you love your body; do you take care of it or disrespect it? You love who you are, your emotional body. Do you allow others to act unloving towards you? Are you unloving towards others? What about your soul? When is the last time you connected, made choices to feed it over your ego? Does your spirituality take the backseat in your life?

We are a spirit, an energy field inhabiting a physical form. While our bodies are temporary, our soul is indefinite, and it remembers. Be kind and good to your body, share its presence with only those that love you. But please, please be good to the physical form in which other souls have taken. Their souls will remember too.