Self-Love: A Lifelong Endurance Test
I wasn’t looking for love but when I met Chris, his aggressive & confidant pursuit of me caught my attention. I like men who know what they want. Our first date was intellectually stimulating and the two of us took turns being direct in regards to how we operate in relationships and what our expectations are of our partners. It was an interesting game of ping pong and while I wasn’t sure I was ready to dive in, I was intrigued. He had a bold, logical and direct approach that rivaled mine and I liked it. I was ascertaining his thoughts and belief systems to see if there was commonality to determine any potential. As a values person, I’m completely indifferent to appearance. I’m attracted to men who share my values and possess specific traits. They don’t have to have the same beliefs or opinions, but they must share my values and want the same things in life. We started dating and he led me into a fantasy world of romance and bliss showered by what I perceived as emotional connection. He mesmerized me with his openness to adore me in every way, his creative and adventurous nature was addicting. He enthusiastically spent money on me with one extravagant gesture after another. He claimed it was his love language, I believed him, despite fears of it being shallow or manipulative. I could tell he was still hurting from his past. He was insanely successful in the business world but his ego was shot in the relationship department. I wondered if he felt he had to buy my love and affection. I wondered a lot of things, but I decided I would just enjoy our time together and have fun, after all, he valued integrity and treating others with respect.
That’s what I thought until the night he lied to me. I wanted to question him but I was afraid of the answer. More so, I was afraid he would deepen the lie and force me to do something I didn’t want to do, I didn’t want to let go. I rationalized his lie but things got worse. The energy shifted almost overnight and nearly two weeks passed with him being emotionally distant and unavailable. There were multiple things that flagged my attention and by the end of the two weeks I was frustrated and ready to be done with the confusion and end the relationship if need be. Intuitively it felt as if the relationship was already over and just as fast as he came into my life he was exiting. With maturity and wisdom at my side, I addressed the issue and asked where he stood, if we should appreciate our rendezvous for what it was and move on or was there desire to reignite the spark and continue. He assured me he was happy with our relationship and his change in behavior was due to work but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel right. I pressed forward with the conversation over lunch. I felt physically and emotionally disturbed, my hands trembled. He was lying to me. I could literally feel his lack of care and respect for me in his energy. The more he spoke, a much more sinister side of him unveiled. He wasn’t at all who I perceived him to be, who he claimed to be. This man of honor who prided himself for his chivalry, a protector of the weak, it was all an act. He was a wolf in disguise, a wolf opening my doors and pretending to like me, pretending to care. A cold, distant being emerged who had no remorse in lying, manipulating, deceiving and cheating. A man completely comfortable with harming another human without any regards to the impending consequence it would bring forth for the other person. I recognized in that moment that my initial fears were not unfounded, he used his wealth and status to impress and buy relationships and manipulate others. His over the top gratuitous nature was but a mere mirage, far from the emotional depth I once believed they were derived from. He lacked self-love to see any value in himself outside of his things and was on a fool’s errand to acquire anything and anyone to give him his next high. He was empty, his emotions were turned off and his soul was nowhere to be found. I ended the relationship, it was easy. He was incapable of offering anything of value to a woman of value.
If you can remember two universal truths, remember these:
1. The body doesn’t lie
2. Your mind can find infinite ways to lie to you
The two weeks that went by before the grand finale where filled with emotional unease and confusion. I had bouts of unexplained sadness and abandonment I couldn’t explain. There were numerous logical explanations for his behavior that my mind bought, but my heart and body knew the truth. His change of energy through his thoughts and actions caused a disturbance in my energy field and I felt it. The fact is, your body cannot lie to you, only your mind. Whether there is a logical explanation or you’re making excuses for someone, go within and observe. How does the situation make you feel emotionally? Are you experiencing any symptoms in your body; nausea, pain, restriction in your chest or throat? All of these are forms of communication. Your body is telling you that something is wrong, pay attention, this doesn’t feel good, I don’t feel good. Do not stay in relationships that make you feel distressed, romantically or otherwise. If there ever was a cut and dry solution to knowing when to walk away in a relationship it’s for that reason alone. Too often people find themselves so disconnected and in a fog that they forget they have all the answers they need. If being in a relationship with someone leaves you in a state of depression, anxiety, doubt, anything but feeling loved, LEAVE. Walk away. Love yourself enough to choose you. They are not required to love you, you are required to love yourself. You are required to know when a relationship has outlived its purpose. Don’t wait for others to release you, they won’t. You are required to have your own set of boundaries and self-respect. You teach others how you want to be treated, how you want to be loved.
Developing self-love from a place where it once didn’t exist requires resistance to build in strength. However, regardless of whether you never had it or have it, it’s a muscle that needs continuous attention or it will suffer atrophy. Every day we make choices to love or disrespect ourselves. Whether it’s the food we eat, the amount of exercise we choose to partake of, the music we listen to, our friends and even thoughts. All of those can enhance and improve your life, keep you stuck or cause you to move backwards. Diminishing your health, vitality and ability to thrive in life. Move towards making better choices every day and in every moment. When you are in the habit of loving yourself it becomes easy to not compromise on what is inherently the right choice for you. When you love and respect yourself it is uncomfortable or painful to be with someone choosing to treat you less than you deserve, even if it is subtle. Loving yourself comes from a pace of fullness where there is no lack and there is no need. Broken parts of people are not required to make you whole. You don’t need others to love you to validate that you’re worthy of love because you know you are… your love for self if enough. Allowing those to stay in your life that forsake your value is a drain of your effervescent, philosophical cup of love. Poking holes at the integrity, slowly depleting you and sifting your liquid gold because they are empty and need to be filled. Self-love requires mindfulness and awareness to how you feel around others. My advice to you is simple, only nurture those that nurture you. You should feel safe, loved, valued and appreciated in relationships not struggling with angst, sadness or feeling less than. Don’t hold onto any person who is a detriment to your wellbeing. Love yourself enough to choose Team You! Love yourself in the face of others choosing not to. Self-respect is an aphrodisiac that only those who possess it can understand. Be bold, be daring and fall in love with yourself all over again because gosh dammit, self-love is sexy and feels so good!
There’s infinite wisdom to be gained from every relationship and my experience with Chris was no different. Among the many, I was reminded of a profound truth that so many know, yet continuously ignore… hurt people hurt people. People take because they lack and when they lack there will never be enough external resources to fill them. They become bottomless pits with unsatiated hunger, driven by pride and ego because they starve for the one thing they refuse to give or receive, intimate connection. There will never be enough money, status, sex or accolades to satisfy the ego of a broken heart and an untethered soul. It becomes an exhausting and relentless chase to fulfillment that demands countless emotional casualties for a goal that can never be attained. They are incapable of loving others because they do not love themselves. They cannot respect others for they do not respect themselves.
If you have been on either end of the spectrum and are in need of healing so you can emotionally thrive and connect to others, email me at info@helenaklassen.com. You can also schedule a free consult at www.HelenaKlassenVIBES.com to learn more about my program and how I change lives.